Steven and the Steven that made him feel very good
by Constant Regret
Summary: I honestly think that this is the best thing ever written. It has sex, deep characters, humor, donuts, and probably anything you can imagine. (CHAPTER 7 IS LOVE). It'll make you feel like the entire series makes no sense compared to this. I AM A GOD.
1. 1968, year of pain

**Hi, people. This is weird. I wanted to write a sexual fanfiction about the episode 'Steven and the Stevens', but even finding that cartoon child awfully cute, now I'm unable to imagine him in any kind of sexual relationship. The same goes for Greg.**

 **I mean, look at them, you couldn't even tell if they had a penis. Now I'm confused, I really want to write it.**

 **Fuck, you know what? Yesternight, at 5 a.m., the idea popped in my mind, and I thought it was great. I still do, but I haven't slept in three days, so I'm gonna do something else: I'm gonna write an alternative shit I thought about, and...**

 **NO, WAIT, IT'S COMING BACK. FUCK IT, IMMA WRITE IT.**

* * *

After coming back from the mission in the Sea Shrine, Steven hurried to rehearse with his dad for that night's show. Finding him unable to, the wish of going back in time and telling him about the problem that Onion's father's boat would suppose was granted, thanks to the "adorbable" little sand clock which turned out to be the legendary Glass of Time.

This time, the car wash didn't set on fire as the fisherman made use of the hand brake of his pickup truck. That was nice.

But Steven couldn't rehearse with his father just yet, because the non-human language speaker apparently started complaining about something that almost sounded like racism. Well, he'd go back home and... wait, he just saw himself.

Steven on a scooter stopped and looked at the Steven that was staring at him. He dropped his vehicle and walked towards himself, "...". He didn't know what to say.

The future Steven knew what was going on, and just took the Glass of Time out of his pocket and showed it to the Steven of that timeline, "This thing brought me from the future. Dad can't rehearse now. Wanna go grab a doughnut?", said in a casual tone.

Present Steven assimilated that information and nodded displaying a blank expression.

They dropped by the Big Donut, bought sweet treats for both of them, and went back to their home. "So... what are you doing here?", asked the Steven that actually belonged to that timeline, sitting on the couch and biting his high-calorie piece of pastry.

"Well... saving the world?", answered doubtful the future kid while doing the same.

"Oh, that's so me!", laughed the present one. After a few seconds, he spoke again, "Do you mind if I call you "Two"? Seeing myself is weird enough, and it's gonna be a pain for the narrator to specify which one of us is doing something at a time".

"No, no, it's okay. This is your timeline after all", replied Two amicably.

They finished their food and stayed quiet for a couple of awkward minutes. They didn't know, but they were thinking about doing the same. The only thing that kept them from pronouncing what they wanted was the feeling of nervousness which started to tickle the inside of their tummies. Anyway, the desire was stronger.

"So...", started unsure the present Steven, looking at his feet all the while, "do you wanna-", but was interrupted...

"YEAH, TOTALLY!", by himself.

"Do you know what I was-".

"YEAH, LET'S DO IT!".

Again.

"ARE YOU SURE? I'M TALKING ABOUT-".

"SHUT UP AND FUCK ME!".

Both Stevens looked into each other eyes, not knowing exactly what to do, before the youngest one spoke up, "How do we...? Where...?".

Two thought for a few seconds before looking at the temple's door, "Mom's room?" We'll be alone there", answered.

"Sounds good to me".

They stood up and went straight to it, which opened after rubbing their bellies against it.

Once they were in the cloudy environment, both said "I wish a giant bed!" at the same time. A king-size x3 mattress appeared before them.

Two kissed sweetly present Steven on his right cheek and grabbed his hand, making him blush. "Don't be shy. I'm you!", articulated trying to sound confident, but really wanting to have some fun.

 **(OKAY, NOW USE YOUR IMAGINATION. I WAS PLANNING ON WRITING VARIOUS SWEET, INNOCENT AND SLOPPY SEX SCENES, BUT MAYBE YOU LIKE SOME KINKY SHIT, OR MAYBE YOU WANT TO ADD DRUGS, ANAL MUTILATION, RAPE AND EVEN SOME GREG-STEVEN INCEST [I'm not against it, I like EVERYTHING, but writing all the possible outcomes of a sex scene would make me die of old age], SO NOW, DO AS I WRITE: LEAVE THE DEVICE YOU'RE READING THIS ON, CLOSE YOUR EYES, AND IMAGINE THE PERFECT SEX SCENE. AND, AS THEY ALREADY ARE AT ROSE'S ROOM, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. AND TIME TRAVEL IS REAL. OPPORTUNITIES ARE LIMITLESS. GO AHEAD, I KNOW YOU CAN. GET HORNY WITH YOUR OWN MIND. MASTURBATE TO YOUR THOUGHTS. BE AS DETAILED AS YOU WANT. MAKE THEIR DICKS AS BIG AS YOU WANT. MAKE THEM CUM AS MUCH AS YOU WANT. YOU FUCKING DECIDE! DO IT!).**

* * *

 **And now, if you excuse me, I'm gonna lie on the floor while I think about why I wrote this, and then I'll self-flagellate because of the guilt that my laziness causes me. I'm sorry, I'm very sorry.**

 **And very lonely.**

 **Please, love me.**

 **I'm crying.**

 **Now I'm adding words because maybe it will make this piece of unholy shit more appealing for you to read it. Ignore this:**

"Rap God"

 _[Intro:]_  
Look, I was gonna go easy on you not to hurt your feelings  
But I'm only going to get this one chance  
(Six minutes, six minutes)  
Something's wrong, I can feel it  
(Six minutes, six minutes, Slim Shady, you're on)  
Just a feeling I've got  
Like something's about to happen  
But I don't know what  
If that means, what I think it means, we're in trouble  
Big trouble. And if he is as bananas as you say  
I'm not taking any chances  
You were just what the doctor ordered

 _[Chorus:]_  
I'm beginning to feel like a Rap God, Rap God  
All my people from the front to the back nod, back nod  
Now who thinks their arms are long enough to slap box, slap box?  
They said I rap like a robot, so call me rap-bot

 _[Verse 1:]_  
But for me to rap like a computer must be in my genes  
I got a laptop in my back pocket  
My pen'll go off when I half-cock it  
Got a fat knot from that rap profit  
Made a living and a killing off it  
Ever since Bill Clinton was still in office  
With Monica Lewinski feeling on his nutsack  
I'm an MC still as honest  
But as rude and as indecent as all hell  
Syllables, skill-a-holic (Kill 'em all with)  
This flippity, dippity-hippity hip-hop  
You don't really wanna get into a pissing match  
With this rappity-rap  
Packing a mack in the back of the Ac  
backpack rap, crap, yap-yap, yackety-yack  
and at the exact same time  
I attempt these lyrical acrobat stunts while I'm practicing that  
I'll still be able to break a motherfuckin' table  
Over the back of a couple of faggots and crack it in half  
Only realized it was ironic  
I was signed to Aftermath after the fact  
How could I not blow? All I do is drop "F" bombs  
Feel my wrath of attack  
Rappers are having a rough time period  
Here's a Maxi-Pad  
It's actually disastrously bad  
For the wack while I'm masterfully constructing this masterpiece yeah

 _[Chorus:]_  
'Cause I'm beginning to feel like a Rap God, Rap God  
All my people from the front to the back nod, back nod  
Now who thinks their arms are long enough to slap box, slap box?  
Let me show you maintaining this shit ain't that hard, that hard

 _[Verse 2:]_  
Everybody want the key and the secret to rap  
Immortality like I have got  
Well, to be truthful the blueprint's  
Simply rage and youthful exuberance  
Everybody loves to root for a nuisance  
Hit the earth like an asteroid  
and did nothing but shoot for the moon since (PPEEYOOM)  
MC's get taken to school with this music  
'Cause I use it as a vehicle to 'bus the rhyme'  
Now I lead a New School full of students  
Me? Me, I'm a product of Rakim  
Lakim Shabazz, 2Pac, N-W-A., Cube, hey, Doc, Ren  
Yella, Eazy, thank you, they got Slim  
Inspired enough to one day grow up  
Blow up and being in a position  
To meet Run-D.M.C. and induct them  
Into the motherfuckin' Rock n'  
Roll Hall of Fame even though I walk in the church  
And burst in a ball of flames  
Only Hall of Fame I'll be inducted in is the alcohol of fame  
On the wall of shame  
You fags think it's all a game  
'Til I walk a flock of flames  
Off a plank and  
Tell me what in the fuck are you thinking?  
Little gay looking boy  
So gay I can barely say it with a 'straight' face looking boy  
You're witnessing a mass-occur like you're watching a church gathering  
And take place looking boy  
Oy vey, that boy's gay  
That's all they say looking boy  
You get a thumbs up, pat on the back  
And a "way to go" from your label every day looking boy  
Hey, looking boy, what d'you say looking boy?  
I get a "hell yeah" from Dre looking boy  
I'mma work for everything I have  
Never asked nobody for shit  
Git out my face looking boy  
Basically boy you're never gonna be capable  
of keeping up with the same pace looking boy, 'cause

 _[Chorus:]_  
I'm beginning to feel like a Rap God, Rap God  
All my people from the front to the back nod, back nod  
The way I'm racing around the track, call me Nascar, Nascar  
Dale Earnhardt of the trailer park, the White Trash God  
Kneel before General Zod this planet's Krypton, no Asgard, Asgard

 _[Verse 3:]_  
So you'll be Thor and I'll be Odin  
You rodent, I'm omnipotent  
Let off then I'm reloading  
Immediately with these bombs I'm totin'  
And I should not be woken  
I'm the walking dead  
But I'm just a talking head, a zombie floating  
But I got your mom deep throating  
I'm out my Ramen Noodle  
We have nothing in common, poodle  
I'm a Doberman, pinch yourself  
In the arm and pay homage, pupil  
It's me  
My honesty's brutal  
But it's honestly futile if I don't utilize  
What I do though for good  
At least once in a while so I wanna make sure  
Somewhere in this chicken scratch I scribble and doodle  
Enough rhymes to  
Maybe try to help get some people through tough times  
But I gotta keep a few punchlines  
Just in case 'cause even you unsigned  
Rappers are hungry looking at me like it's lunchtime  
I know there was a time where once I  
Was king of the underground  
But I still rap like I'm on my Pharoahe Monch grind  
So I crunch rhymes  
But sometimes when you combine  
Appeal with the skin color of mine  
You get too big and here they come trying to  
Censor you like that one line I said  
On "I'm Back" from the Mathers LP  
One when I tried to say I'll take seven kids from Columbine  
Put 'em all in a line  
Add an AK-47, a revolver and a nine  
See if I get away with it now  
That I ain't as big as I was, but I'm  
Morphin' into an immortal coming through the portal  
You're stuck in a time warp from two thousand four though  
And I don't know what the fuck that you rhyme for  
You're pointless as Rapunzel  
With fucking cornrows  
You write normal, fuck being normal  
And I just bought a new ray gun from the future  
Just to come and shoot ya  
Like when Fabulous made Ray J mad  
'Cause Fab said he looked like a fag  
At Mayweather's pad singin' to a man  
While he play piano  
Man, oh man, that was the 24/7 special  
On the cable channel  
So Ray J went straight to radio station the very next day  
"Hey, Fab, I'mma kill you"  
Lyrics coming at you at supersonic speed, (JJ Fad)  
Uh, summa lumma dooma lumma you assuming I'm a human  
What I gotta do to get it through to you I'm superhuman  
Innovative and I'm made of rubber, so that anything you say is  
Ricochet in off a me and it'll glue to you  
And I'm devastating more than ever demonstrating  
How to give a motherfuckin' audience a feeling like it's levitating  
Never fading, and I know that haters are forever waiting  
For the day that they can say I fell off, they'll be celebrating  
'Cause I know the way to get 'em motivated  
I make elevating music  
You make elevator music  
"Oh, he's too mainstream."  
Well, that's what they do  
When they get jealous, they confuse it  
"It's not hip hop, it's pop."  
'Cause I found a hella way to fuse it  
With rock, shock rap with Doc  
Throw on "Lose Yourself" and make 'em lose it  
I don't know how to make songs like that  
I don't know what words to use  
Let me know when it occurs to you  
While I'm ripping any one of these verses that versus you  
It's curtains, I'm inadvertently hurtin' you  
How many verses I gotta murder to  
Prove that if you were half as nice,  
your songs you could sacrifice virgins to  
Unghh, school flunky, pill junky  
But look at the accolades these skills brung me  
Full of myself, but still hungry  
I bully myself 'cause I make me do what I put my mind to  
When I'm a million leagues above you  
Ill when I speak in tongues  
But it's still tongue-and-cheek, fuck you  
I'm drunk so Satan take the fucking wheel  
I'm asleep in the front seat  
Bumping Heavy D and the Boys  
"Still chunky, but funky"  
But in my head there's something  
I can feel tugging and struggling  
Angels fight with devils and  
Here's what they want from me  
They're asking me to eliminate some of the women hate  
But if you take into consideration the bitter hatred I had  
Then you may be a little patient and more sympathetic to the situation  
And understand the discrimination  
But fuck it  
Life's handing you lemons  
Make lemonade then  
But if I can't batter the women  
How the fuck am I supposed to bake them a cake then?  
Don't mistake him for Satan  
It's a fatal mistake if you think I need to be overseas  
And take a vacation to trip a broad  
And make her fall on her face and  
Don't be a retard, be a king?  
Think not  
Why be a king when you can be a God?

 **I'm very sorry.**


	2. WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?

**I think I'm gonna be sorry for this too.**

* * *

Steven and Two were hanging around their mom's room after THE BEST OR WORST OR MOST AVERAGE SEX EVER, and something popped into their prepubescent brains.

"Yo, yo, yo, homey, we gotta do sumthing", said cordially the present Steven, who was punching the clouds for their blatant pinkness.

"U be rite, dawg", answered Two in a similar tone while rubbing fondly his gem.

"I wish...", started in unison, "... BEING IN THE UP IN SMOKE TOUR!". Suddenly, they were at the First Union Spectrum, in Philadelphia, on a stage with Xzibit, Dr. Dre and Eminem, and surrounded by thousands of people.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?", pronounced violently your boy from the X to the Z Xzibit, shouting into his microphone.

"We are the new backup rappers!", replied happily both Stevens, who were already holding their own mics.

Nobody seemed to care too much about them, so the beat for "What's the difference?" started playing, and the boys from Beach City were ready to kill it.

"What's the difference between me and you? I have no belly button and my dad's a fool", started Two.

"I like Cookie Cats and donuts, and I have a crew who can turn to dust your anus", continued the youngest Steven.

"I fucked myself and now I have weird feelings".

"I love you, me. Just touch my weenie".

The crowd was ecstatic, this was the most awesome thing they had ever listened to: no one boob was inside any piece of clothing, everybody was stoned, and Freddie Mercury possessed the body of a young female raver. The rest of artists who participated in the show committed suicide, knowing that they would never be as talented as these two clone children.

All of a sudden, there was absolute silence, and only a light in the middle of the stage remained on. Then Garnet, a young Mr. Universe, Pearl and Amethyst came down from the sky standing on a moderate size spaceship, each of them with the instrument they better played. Once they landed, the vehicle transformed into a brand new litter box, and Cookie Cat was on it.

He came closer to the dead white boy body and took his microphone. Garnet did the same with the big black man's device.

"Listen up, humans. We are now going to show you how we do", said calmly Cookie Cat, whose voice was deep and mellow.

Greg and Pearl started playing chords never before heard by any alive being with their guitar and violin, respectively. THE AUDIENCE FELT NEW THINGS IN PARTS OF THEIR BODIES THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY HAD.

Amethyst took some awesome drums out of her gem, and started playing them, showing off her expertise.

All of this while, both Stevens enjoyed some sloppy self-sex, being conscious of the attention focused on the recently arrived guys.

"You ready?", asked Garnet, in a tone never before heard from her: slutty one.

Cookie Cat, the one she asked, just nodded.

THE REAL MUSIC STARTED. IT WAS UTTERLY SPECTACULAR. I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE IT.

"Yo, yo... he's a frozen treat with an all-new taste", commenced the fused gem.

"Aha", chorused Cookie Cat.

"Cause he came to this planet from outer space".

"Yeah".

"A refugee of an interstellar war... BUT NOW HE'S AT YOUR LOCAL GROCERY STORE!".

"COOKIE CAT!", sang all of them at the same time, creating a sublime harmony.

"HE'S A PET FOR YOUR TUMMY!", Greg sang.

"COOKIE CAT!", everyone repeated.

"HE'S SUPER DUPER YUMMY!", this time, Amethyst sang.

"COOKIE CAT!".

"HE LEFT HIS FAMILY BEHIND!", sang both Stevens, naked and crying like babies.

"COOKIE CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!", the hole crew plus Hopsin screamed, causing trouble in the neighborhood.

"GGGGGG G-UNIT!", whispered 50 Cent from Utah.

"I LIKE ROCKS!", cried Greg.

They weren't aware, but they were triggering the most painful suffering ever lived in Earth. Such devastation that only the devilish creatures of this dimension would be able to feel how the faithful siblings of the Hidden Sand Village drink the fluids of their own misery, blinking to Adam Levine's wet body.

"KISS ME, GREG! KISS ME, STEVEN! HUG ME, YOU ADORABLE BASTARDS".

He... is back...

FALLOUT 4.


	3. CRASH AND SPYRO OR SLY, JAK AND RATCHET?

**I'M SO PROUD OF !**

* * *

All his senses shut down, except from his sight. He stared at the lifeless body of the only one who could make him feel like was actually alive, the reason he kept fighting day after day, the sun which enlightened his dark life: Onion. His already light skin was now paler, and his chest had now hole of the size of a fist: his heart was removed. Blood stains were all over his body, making Greg feel like his lover wasn't the only one without a heart.

He got closer to the dead boy, not being able to touch him, but wanting to, as if anyhow he could come back to life. A voice brought him back to the real world.

"I told you not no fuck around my territory", Greg heard, "I do not care who you are. If you cross the line, nothing will save you".

Greg started walking towards the monotone voice, not raising his eyes, "You...", started to speak, "... I... don't care about who you are either...". He was barely audible.

"Oh, really?", pronounced sarcastically the other interlocutor, crossing his chubby arms.

"YES!", screamed Greg, finally looking up, showing his crying eyes and seeing his own son covered in gore. He was barely twelve, but that thing he inherited from his mother boosted his chakra, so his power didn't match nor his age, nor his training.

"Well then, prove-", a punch in Steven's throat interrupted his statement.

"I will... avenge Onion. I... discovered what real love is with him... BUT YOU? YOU'RE JUST A SPOILED OVERPOWERED FAT BRAT! I REGRET HAVING YOU!", shouted the oldest, who was now standing behind his son thanks to a Body flicker technique, trying to overcome his broken voice. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and his bearded chin, and his fury was such that his chakra was visible.

Jumping away from his father, Steven tried to recover on the branch of a nearby tree, feeling something that he didn't like at all. Those words were for him harder than the punch he received. He knew that everybody hated him for his actions, but he didn't expect to hear something like this from the only relative he had.

"Hn... that's rude, dad", muttered the boy, jumping down and turning around only to find his father starting a series of handseals. He knew that running and hiding weren't available options being in a forest and knowing that his opponent could use fire techniques, so he summoned his shield. Whatever was coming, he was ready.

"Useless!", articulated Greg before ending, " **地球のスタイル** **\- 冥界ない術の沼** **!** ", cried stomping his hands on the ground. The terrain under Steven's feet turned to mud.

He activated his bubble and popped it before the ground swallowed him, using the small explosion to propel himself up while standing on his shield and throw a kunai at his father, making him lift his hands, ending the jutsu.

"Nice try", said Steven neutral, biting his left thumb and doing his own series of handseals, ending them by stretching his left arm. From a cloud of smoke appeared a pink lion. He started to run towards Greg, but his summon just stood where he appeared.

"You dumb shit! Your mother's pet is not going to attack someone who knows him better than you!", screamed the parent as he threw kunais with seals on them all around them and his hands formed the ram handseal.

"I'll make him!", answered the chubby boy putting a hand on his belly. A pink glow appeared under his bloodstained shirt, and Lion started to shake violently. Greg activated his jutsu and the weapons he hurled started to emit electricity, but before it could be effective, he had to dodge the rapid wave of shurikens that came out of the summon's mane.

"Lion's not gonna compensate your slowness, kiddo!", replied Greg, who now stomped his right feet, elevating his thrown kunais and before shouting " **磁気スタイル** **\- 観光名所** **!** ", making them fly at him.

Steven doubted, but when he saw nothing happening after casting that technique, he kept running. "I've got you now!", said Steven once he reached his father, channeling chakra in his right hand, which balled up into a fist.

"No, I've got you", responded quietly Greg, grabbing the opposing fist with his own chakra infused palm, and hugging his son.

"Wha-", started Steven, but when twelve knifes pierced his body, he couldn't continue. The weapons hit several organs, including heart and lungs, but he didn't die instantly.

He wasn't the only one hurt, as Greg cast a jutsu considered as suicidal: he acted like a magnet, attracting his kunais, and also Lion's shurikens, which ended up in his calves.

"I told you, _I have a little, have a little, have a little...",_ the oldest stopped as he coughed up blood on his son's hair.

" _E-expertise...",_ continued Steven, starting to cry.

"Tha- *coughing*, that's it, shtuba-...". Greg said no more, as his breath stopped, and his heart exploded. Cholesterol beat him.

"Dad...", finalized the boy before his veins closed. The kid only ate pizza, donuts and fry bits. His triglycerides were too high too.

Then, the pause menu popped on the screen.

"YEAAAAAH, I TOLD YOU I COULD BEAT YOU!", screamed Amethyst jumping on Steven's bed.

"Ohhh, it's not fair! You chose the strongest character!", whined the half human. "Wait! You died too!", realized after.

"But I won... morally...", tried to excuse the purple being.

"I don't think so. That was too dark for me", thought out loud Steven.

"And for me, where did you buy that Steven Universe Ultimate Ninjagem Storm 3: Burst Limit anyway?", asked her.

"I... I didn't buy it", replied nervous the cute chubby child.

*CAMERA ZOOMS OUT*

 **SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, ELTON JOHN IS WIGGLING HIS EYEBROWS.**


	4. I have issues

**I'm in Hell. It's cool.**

* * *

"Hahahahaha, oh Steven!", laughed Amethyst as she came out of the temple door.

"What's up, Amethyst?", asked curiously the youngest, who was laying on the couch watching something on his phone.

"Remember that thing Holopearl does? That "parry, parry, THRUST" thing?", tried to speak between giggles the chubby purple female.

"I think I do, what's with that?".

"Oh hohoho boy, Pearl uses it to masturbate!", she said.

After a moment of silence, the chubby prepubescent boy looked confused. "Mas... turbate? What's that?", inquired doubtful.

Amethyst's expression changed suddenly to a shocked one, "You don't know what masturbation is? Don't you know anything about sex or what?".

The kid shrugged and shook his head.

"Okay buddy, I'mma teach you what I've learned", said happily Amethyst, seeing herself as a really helpful Gem, "If you don't understand something, don't ask, use your phone", finished sitting next to Steven.

After two hours and a half of explanations and searching in the Internet, Steven learned all the available sex theory he could. That doesn't mean that he wasn't confused as heck.

"... and that's what we call pansexuality", culminated Amethyst.

Steven was really confused, and a little traumatized by the graphic content. "So... I am a trangender poliapansexual furry bottom...", muttered.

"Yeah, whatever. Do you understand now what Pearl was doing?", asked tiredly the purple being.

The boy stared at his phone before nodding absently.

"Finally!", she sighed heavily before standing up and leaving the house after saying "I need donuts".

Steven kept there, assimilating information. After a few minutes, he decided to phone his dad. He had something to ask.

"Hi kiddo, what's up?", said Greg answering the call.

"Dad... I wanted to know...", started slowly the curly-haired child.

"Are you oka-", before he could finish his sentence, Steven spoke up.

"DO YOU WANNA FELCH?", inquired loudly, surprising his father.

After a brief silence, Greg replied enthusiastically "Yeah! Sure, come over, I'm at my van. Bring a funnel".

It was a gorgeous afternoon.

* * *

 **SNAP**

* * *

Greg and Steven were sitting in the back of their van, gazing at the moon, before the youngest said "Dad, you smell weird".

The aforementioned looked at him and blinked slowly before giggling and touching his hair with both of his hands. "And you're veeery soooft", whispered dully, "Like your mooom".

"Dad, what the-", Steven couldn't continue as one of Greg's indexes fingers shut his mouth.

"Shhh, don't say aaaanything. Just let me be your daddy tonight. Lay here with me", said the long-haired one leaning back on his mattress.

The boy doubted, but he did it anyway. He was his father after all, he wouldn't hurt him... would he? He was now lying next to Greg, who started to touch his weenie.

"Dad? What are you doing?", inquired nervous Steven, starting to freak out, but doing nothing to avoid the calloused, manly hands that were rubbing his pelvic area and massaging his scrotum. His dong started to grow.

"Yes, I'm your daddy. Let's bond a little", answered an erected Greg as he started to undress his son.

Suddenly, Garnet was there, holding a now naked Steven after ripping up the van's doors.

"AAAAGHHHH, NOT YOU, LEGO WOMAN!", screamed the lovely father while his erect penis pouted.

And that's how a rape was averted. DAMN YOU, FORESIGHT.

* * *

 **BIGGER SNAP**

* * *

Pearl was finishing her housewife duties when Garnet appeared silently behind her and grabbed her by her hips, rubbing her... genitals? against her... ass?

"Gimme some sugar, baby!", exclaimed in her usual upbeat tone.

Pearl didn't even turn around, as she bit her lip and whispered seductively, "You don't know how long I've been wanting this". Then, she took out a sugar bowl from a cupboard and poured some of its content into her mouth.

"Hmmm, that's how I like it", said very sexually the fusion as she removed her sunglasses.

Finally, the pale bird mom faced her, and spat the mix of saliva and white powder on her comrade's face.

Both of them were smiling.

Yeah, living is free in Beach City.

* * *

 **AVERAGE SNAP**

* * *

Peridot, fresh outta her crib, was walking around her hood, waving at her homeys all around Deshaun's 7/11, when she found a group of boys having a rap battle. She gave one of them a try against her. He was called " _Lil' B Pussy Killa"_ , but she knew he was Shaniqua's kid. It was pretty obvious, he inherited her weave. He wasn't older than 208, but his sharp eyes made him look like he was Vietnamese.

He went first, and his rhymes were good. Actually, his reference to the unstable situation lived by Greece impressed her.

But then again, she had her own label, and she won the Rap Olympics twice. "Okay dawg, that was cool n' stuff, but ya ain't got tha level. Yo, yo, check me out...

 _I came from outer space/_

 _To destroy your race/_

 _Fuck up your life/_

 _Bitch, this shit cray/"._

 **...**

After the extraordinary events happened that week, Peridot was in the finals, and this round was random pairings' round.

She was with Amethyst, and that Steven thing with Lapis. She unfused with Jasper for their own battle. It was really awesome.

But now, she had to do her best.

The astrological coin flipped, bestowing the start to the chubby kid.

"YEAH, PUT YOUR MOTHAFUCKING HANDS UP IN THE AIR! BEACH CITY IS IN THE MOTHAFUCKING HOOOOOOOOOOOOUSE!

OH.

 _Okay bitch, I cannot keep my cool/_

 _In this shit, I'm all about the blue/_

 _I love Amethyst, and that's just fucking true/_

 _But how Big Sean said, I DON'T FUCK WITH YOU!/"._

The crowd went crazy.

" _I DIDN'T REALLY WANT YOU TO HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND/_

 _I TOOK YOUR FUCKING FOOT, 'CAUSE YOU WERE FUCKING CHEATING/_

 _SHE'S A HUGE PUSSY, AND I THINK IT'S FUCKING LEAKING/_

 _LET'S SEE WHO YOU CALL "CLOD" WHEN YOU'RE JUST SQUEAKING/"._

The crowd went H.A.M. (sandwich).

But there's something they didn't consider: Drake was about to cry. Just like Rose's tears could bring life to this world, Drake's tears made everything go from zero to a hundred real quick. No matter if they were at the bottom, they'll just end up here ***lifts his right hand over his head***.

"THERE'S NO TIME! FUSE WITH ME, STEVEN!".

"WHO ARE YOU?".

"THE WRITER! HURRY, BRING YOUR ASS OVER HERE!".

"WHY ARE WE NAKED!?".

"HURRY THE FUCK UP!".

"LOVE ME, YOU SEXY BEAST!".

"HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!".

* * *

 **I saw Robert de Niro's dick once.**

* * *

 **2017**


	5. Online asexual boyfriend

**C3**

* * *

I went back, and as I expected, the temple was still empty. The Gems were nowhere to be seen, and it's already been three days since we lost her. All of us miss her, that's obvious, but their reactions weren't appropriate for a warrior race like us. Who could we blame? Greg, for being the one who Rose fell in love with? The newborn child, for existing? Me, for being the only one who truly supported them?

Well, my case was different, I was a high-class Gem slave, but that doesn't mean that I don't have the capability of thinking and judging, and Rose was the first one who saw something else but a mere servant in me. She kind of adopted me, and she explained why the humans were so exceptional. Just like her, I understood that they were motivated by their own feelings, and not just by material incentives.

A while after, I met Greg Universe, a man who came to this town mostly obliged by his miser manager, and the human who learned to love a Gem. I also learnt all that I could about humans from him, and I'm still learning today. But once I comprehended humans' feelings, I started to feel how would be belonging to their race. He even acknowledged me as one of theirs by bestowing me a human name, which was a real honor for me. I had always been called after my gem, Stibnite, but he named me "Peter". I liked it.

Now, Rose is gone; Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl are... I don't know. Feeling lost, I'd say; and I am going to help Greg to raise the fruit of his and Rose's love. Is the least I can do, I owe them a great part of what I am. I'd talk about the other Gems, but I don't know what to say. Our relationship has never been good, nor bad. It's just been neutral: we went together on missions, we lived in the same place, but we didn't share much. Maybe being a Gem that likes having a male form has something to do with it, but I couldn't tell, they don't even seem to care.

They appreciate Rose's values, but I share them. They loved, and surely still love, her; but I am like her in many senses. I'd bet that they don't like me much, they probably think that I just imitate her, but that's not true at all: she just made me like she was, molding my malleable mind as she wished, but I have no complaints. After all, I guess I'm not allowed to...

Now it's time to accomplish my mission: be the rock that Greg and Steven (that's the name of their son) can lean on.

I went to the place where Greg usually parked his van/house in. It wasn't far from the temple, and it hadn't been moved since Steven's birth, but I know he received no visits yet. "Greg, it's me... Peter. How are you doing?", I say as I knock on the back doors, trying to sound as sure as possible. I receive silence as response. I insist twice, until I discover that the doors aren't locked. I open them, and I can't describe what my eyes are seeing: first thing I find is Greg's corpse. He's lacking one leg, and his torso is teared apart. His expression... I can't even look at it. It's like fear itself personified.

There's gore everywhere, forming a puddle over the mattress that has been Greg's (and often Rose's) bed. And, in that mentioned accumulation of blood, I can see something standing out: another body, but this is way smaller, not even as big as Greg's forearm. I suppose that is his son, and I discover that I am right as I hold him. A newborn baby, someone who couldn't even live to see daylight; the most innocent creature this planet ever had. He's still naked, but what is really disturbing, apart from the blood covering them, is the hole in his stomach, right in the place where Rose had her gem.

After the first minute of shock, I can't avoid vomiting on them, as not only the blood but also the putrid smell of their rotting bodies affect my senses. I didn't know that I could do that, and I'm very sorry for doing it. I place Steven gently on the mattress he was, not really knowing what to do.

My mind is racing, my body is shaking and I try to keep calm. I can't. I start crying like a disconsolate child and I scream like I had never done before. Time passes, I'm still there, alone.

Once that rage and sorrow completely engulf me, I summon my sword out of my gem located on my left hip. I grab it with both of my hands, still trembling, and I point it at my own gem. This is overwhelming, I can't continue.

Before I can destroy myself, a robotic hand clutches and rips out the core of my being in a quick motion, pulverizing it afterwards...

...

"And that's what I'd see if I had Garnet's future vision", I commented casually, ending my story.

All of them are looking at me with their eyes wide and their jaws making holes on the rocky floor of the temple. All of them except for Rose Quartz, who spoke once I finished. "Oh, hell naaaaawwwwwww", she started, "Bitch, ya ain't seein' shit, ya just talkin' bullshit. My kid's gon be betta' than you, fuckin' fake-ass gemsona shit. I'mma clap your ass if you don't leave now, you cunt", stated angrily, being notable her Australian accent and waving angrily her multiple tails.

"But I just-", I tried to excuse myself, but I couldn't continue as Chanel West Coast killed us all with her talent. Being overtalented is a thing now, and she suffers from it.

* * *

 **"And that's why I can't have a gemsona, because it'll would doom the entire universe".**


	6. Alternate Birthday

**_SO MANY BIRTHDAYS_** **AU**

* * *

"Why did Pearl throw butter out the window?", asked funny Steven-clown.

The Gems, experts on human humor after being on Earth since Cher was born, knew that this was a joke, but they didn't know how it ended. As they wanted to know more, they asked in unison "Why!?".

"TO SEE A BUTTERFLY!", answered ecstatic the hybrid, peeing himself in the process, and jumping like a kangaroo high on meth.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA", laughed everybody until they died.

* * *

 **Pearl likes pie, but only as a friend. She doesn't wanna eat it.**


	7. WHAT IS LOVE? BABY DON'T HURT ME!

**DEEP DOWN, I KNOW, THAT YOU'RE A DETROIT HOUSEWIFE.**

 **No, really, this one is pretty sick for standards. Didn't put much thought on it, but... well, if you're a purist, you may as well hate it.**

* * *

It was gonna be a great weekend for Greg: the Gems took Steven to do some kind of magic shit, so he had the house all for himself! He took his best stereo, his guitar, a few CDs, two dozens of beers, and six high quality Mary Jane joints, and headed to his son's home. They didn't know it, but fuck them! He also built this place, and he's the one paying their bills so, again, fuck them! At least, he could sleep in a real bed and watch TV, and eat something that he cooked. He missed living in a real house, as he spent the last twenty years residing in a van after leaving his abusive adoptive parents.

But that didn't matter now. He arrived and opened the already unlocked door, and left his things near the couch. "Woohooooooooooo!", yelled in excitement once he was there. "Well, first things first!", thought as he took the stereo and went upstairs, where he plugged it into the socket right next to the TV's one. He went downstairs again, took his CDs, and went back up. "Okay, let's start with this", muttered to himself as he introduced one of the round items in the music player.

He laid on his son's mattress as the first song started.

" _Niggas screw they face up at me_

 _On some real shit, son, they don't want beef_

 _I cock that, aim that shit out the window_

 _Spray, there ain't a shell left in my heat..._ "

 _In my hood_ , by 50 Cent. _The Massacre_ was one of his favorite albums.

He stood up after a couple of minutes, and started to undress. It was summer, it was hot, he was alone, and there were no neighbors! This was his magic weekend.

He went to the kitchen and checked what was in the cupboards and in the fridge. "Jackpot!", he shouted happily, discovering a lot of bakery products, variety of meats, and some juices and sodas. He made some room in the bottom shelf for his beers. It was around 10 a.m., so he grabbed a grape juice and some croissants and Neapolitans and went up again.

He sat on the bed, leaving there the food, and took the joints out of one of his pockets and a lighter out of another one.

The stereo played _This is 50,_ the next song.

" _I don't know what you take me for_

 _I really don't play that shit_

 _I ain't got to get you hit_

 _I get out myself and spray that shit..._ ".

He lighted his first joint and gave it a very long puff. He held the smoke as long as he could, and let it out softly.

He wanted to get high quickly, so he repeated the process six times, leaving the ash fall to the floor.

"This shit is goooood", whispered laying back on the mattress, holding now nothing but the butt of his joint.

He grabbed one of the croissants with his right hand and put it on his closed mouth, licking it each time he blinked. The munchies were knocking his door fast.

It was time for the next song, _I'm supposed to die tonight._

"Ah man

You know where the niggas be at right?

Take me to 'em

 _All through the hood, I keep hearin' niggas sayin'_

 _I'm supposed to die tonight_

 _niggas come put a hit out and they talkin' like the shit okay_

 _I'm down to ride tonight..."._

His altered senses started to affect him.

He thought that the song was about him, and that he was going to die. He ate the croissant rapidly, thinking that maybe that would help him to live longer.

What he didn't realize was that he wasn't alone anymore: Steven came back with a pout on his face because the Gems told him that the mission was too dangerous for him and he had to go back home. But that expression changed as he heard the music coming from his room, and when he saw his dad's guitar on the floor. He also perceived the smell that was all over the place, but decided to ignore it.

Steven went upstairs to find his father naked, in fetal position on his bed, and with some food next to him.

"D-dad?!", exclaimed, "What are you doing here?", sounding louder than the music.

Greg opened his eyes and fixated them on him. "Steven?! Are you real?!", asked surprised.

"Y-yeah, but what are yo-".

"There's no time! Come here and hug me!", interrupted frantically the oldest.

"Wha-".

"50 Cent wants to kill me! Come here and hug me! Your magical pink hardened belly button from outer space will save us all!", interrupted again.

"I don't understand you!", exclaimed the minor as he started to lower the volume, "Wha-".

Greg realized what his son was doing, and interrupted him again. "DON'T DO THAT! IF HE STOPS RAPPING, HE'LL COME SOONER! COME HERE NOW!".

Steven, scared of the way his father was acting, did as he was told. He laid next to him, and suddenly he was the little spoon. Greg seemed to calm down. "Dad, are you okay?", asked worried the curly-haired boy.

"Yes, but I can still see his fire bars, and I have to work really hard to avoid their poison", answered, sounding mostly neutral, but talking slowly. He looked at his kid's hair and spoke again. "Steven, you can't be like that. Get disposed of those unholy tatters and inhale the sacred medicine".

Steven didn't know what to do or say. He stood up, and felt his father staring at him and nodding. "What do I have-".

"No clothes, you smoke", interrupted yet again the long-haired man.

The boy was too scared as to do otherwise. It wasn't the first time that his dad was seeing him naked, but he was nervous because of the way he was acting. Once he was done, asked again. "A-and now?".

"We have to eliminate your adjacent feelings towards my current being, so you have to inhale the fumes of the mystic plant", answered calmly Greg, pointing at the joints with his toes and fingers.

"B-but Pearl says that smoking is bad, a-and-".

Fifth interruption. "Don't worry, my child. I wouldn't do anything to harm you. This is not like the bad smoking the blessed Pearl of the Crystal Gems talks about. It's natural, it grows thanks to the power of love and the happiness of this planet", said smiling fondly, taking a joint and lighting it for Steven. "Here, let it expand your knowledge and your power".

Steven, was worried, but he also was naive, so he believed every word his dad said, having now stars in his eyes. If you ignore the "50 Cent wants to kill me" part, he seemed as weird as always, but more loquacious... and showing more skin.

He took the joint and tried to imitate his father. He started coughing after doing so. "I don't like it!", exclaimed.

Greg's expression didn't change, "Nobody likes medicines, but we have to take them if we want to be healthy", and convinced him. "Once the smoke reaches your mouth, take a deep breath".

Steven did it a few times until he mastered it, and could smoke it coughing just a little.

In the meanwhile, the next song started to play. _Piggy Bank._

 _"_ _Clickity-clank, clickity-clank_

 _The money goes into my piggy bank_

 _Clickity-clank, clickity-clank_

 _The money goes into my piggy bank_

 _Man I'll get at you - my knife cuts your skin_  
 _I'll get at you - blow shots at your man..."._

The beat and the lyrics were ignored by the duo, who were now staring at each other bodies.

Steven, being way younger and much less experienced, got high really quick. He laid next to Greg again, but now looking at the ceiling. The father started to speak. "Now, we need protection against 50 Cent, what do we do?", inquired whispering.

Steven extended his left hand and started caressing his dad's belly. "I have the gem that I have, but you only have a level 200 regular belly with no gems", answered in the same tone.

They kept in silence for a few seconds, during which Steven stopped rubbing the other's tummy, until Greg exclaimed "MEN'S SEED!". Steven didn't react, his eyes were against the, for him, judgmental ceiling.

"This is what we're doing. Do you know what's the power of the weenie?", asked seriously Greg.

"You can't lean it against a flat surface without hurting the feelings of our savior", replied softly the child after a moment.

"Yeah, but I know it's real power!", said excited the oldest. "We can trigger a physiological mechanism that will allow you to lend me some of your power!".

Steven's eyed widened. "You are my father...", muttered as he started to cry, "That's the least I can do for you, my father, for being my dad".

Greg started to cry as well, and turned to hug his boy. "I love a Steven", pronounced, and proceeded to kiss away his baby's tears.

Steven started to kiss him too wherever he could. He started by a bearded chin, but as Greg moved, he could end up kissing his lips.

"You...", whispered Greg after feeling his son's soft skin against his mouth, "Are everything", and continued hugging him tightly.

Steven simply nodded and kissed his father's lips again, who opened his own to receive the youngest with his tongue this time. Greg licked his kid's lips and around them, and Steven began to imitate him. Suddenly, they were having a tongue fight, and it seemed that the oldest was winning.

After a moment, Greg put one of his hands on Steven's gem, making them stop. They were back to spooning, but in this session, Greg took advantage and touched every millimeter of his son's skin he could. Who, by the way, didn't move since he laid down.

It was time for the next song, _Gatman and Robbin,_ featuring Eminem.

"Gee wilikers Gatman, they got me surrounded

I'm on my way

 _I got a gatman_

 _There's a problem I'ma solve it_

 _A nigga movin' around_

 _With a big ass revolver and a batman_

 _What the fuck are you retarded_

 _You touch Shady I'll leave you dearly departed_

 _They say Batman..."._

"Finally!", exclaimed Steven moving all of his limbs, "I couldn't move because that _BRRRRR_ didn't let me move". (He was referring to the bassline). Once he considered he was free, he jumped on top of his father and started caressing his chest.

"Steven, you're so strong!", said happily Greg, grabbing his son's buttcheeks, "And we spend so little time together...", muttered now starting to sob.

"Dad, do you love me?", asked the youngest seriously, stopping his rubbing. The mentioned nodded rapidly and started stroking Steven's hair with his left hand. "Let me protect you. Do what you have to do to be protected by me", finished, altering the speed of his words in each sentence.

Greg nodded and told him to lie down facing him. The youngest obliged and laid his eyes on his dad's hands, which were now massaging his belly around his gem. Their altered senses didn't allow them to notice, but both of their penises were now hard, with some difference in size between the prepubescent boy and the adult.

Greg placed himself on top of Steven, and started kissing him softly, beginning by his cheeks, then his chest, continued with his tummy and his gem, and ended up kissing the boy's clear and soft pubis.

Steven moaned a little when he felt something like tickles in that zone of his body and curved his back. It was a new sensation for him, and he was loving it. His dad began caressing his boy's little scrotum gently while he kept going down with his lips, making the curly-haired kid add pants to his moans.

Greg didn't want to wait anymore, so he separated his mouth from Steven's body for a moment, which he took to look at his son's hard dick, and put it entirely in his oral cavity. It was around 3.5 or 4 inches, so it wasn't that difficult. Besides, it wasn't the first time that the long-haired man did something like this. His van was really expensive when he bought it, and his ways of obtaining money weren't... orthodox.

When Steven felt his exposed glans in such a warm and humid place, his spinal cord felt a pleasure electroshock. It didn't stop. He sat up a little and lowered his eyes to find his father's head moving up and down over his pelvis, with a hand on his gem and the other massaging his testicles.

The next song started to play. _Candy shop_ was now.

 _"I'll take you to the candy shop_

 _I'll let you lick the lollipop_

 _Go 'head girl, don't you stop_

 _Keep going 'til you hit the spot..."._

Could it be any more appropriate?

The cannabis' effects plus the rhythm of the music made Steven go crazy, feeling pleasure all over his body. Now his dad's tongue against his penis was like the embrace of a whip made out of ambrosia, and his skin was being kissed by magic tiny angels. His moans were louder and his pants deeper.

Greg, on the other side, was eager to feel the warm seed of his son in his mouth, so he began sucking faster while his fingers played with the hardest and the softest parts of his kid.

Steven couldn't hold back anymore. A new overwhelming sensation took over his nervous system as he came, leaving his body float among clouds of gods' feathers while he screamed.

His father only felt two spurts inside of him. And that was all. It was rather sparse, owed to his boy's age and slow development. He swallowed his semen anyway and separated his mouth from Steven's penis, which started to soften.

"A-are we done yet?", whispered Steven, recovering his breath and stroking his dad's hair.

"Almost there, bud", answered Greg, smiling fondly at him. He lifted Steven's short legs and leaned them against his chest, and he started to masturbate his thick dick, which was already leaking precum.

Steven nodded and laid back, closing his eyes, but he opened them again when suddenly he felt his father's glans against his anus. "What are you-", tried to ask worried, but an index finger was set gently on his mouth.

"Don't worry, we're almost done", said Greg, calming him. "I love you too much as to hurt you, Steven", continued.

Steven nodded again and smiled at him.

Now, _Outta control_ started to play.

" _I guess you didn't know_

 _I be back for more_

 _Everybody's on the floor_

 _Goin', goin' outta control_

 _Set it off from your left dawg..._ ".

They ignored the music. Greg's dick's head kept against Steven's butthole as the older masturbated, not penetrating his son. He kept going, moaning some in the process, and after a minute, he came in that little pink hole. His spurts were numerous and way thicker than his kid's ones.

He spread his boy's buttcheeks, trying to introduce his semen down his rectum.

Steven felt the liquid advancing and worried again, but Greg's hand holding his own relaxed him.

"Okay shtuball, get ready now", whispered the oldest as he grabbed Steven's legs and kept them up by the thighs, and he lowered his head.

"For whaAAAAAWWW GOD!", exclaimed the curly-haired boy when he felt his dad's tongue in his little semen-filled hole.

Greg started licking gently at first, but after a few moments, he introduced his organ of taste and speech, turning Steven's expression in a mix of delight and worry and making him moan like a little piggy.

It was time for the next song: _Get in my car_ 's beat started.

Now Greg was slurping in Steven's anus, sucking his own sperm out, and swallowing it as he did.

Steven was scratching his own calves because of the sensation of intense pleasure, and his dick was hard again. He wasn't able to articulate any words, so he kept letting out nonsense noises which meant "I love this! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccckkk!".

Greg didn't take long felching as his semen wasn't too deep, so he finished quickly, but left some traces on his boy's buttcheeks on purpose.

He let go Steven's legs so he could lie properly, but before doing it himself, he sat next to him started to masturbate the littlest.

"Who's your daddy?", asked in a low voice, starting the up and down motion.

"You... you are my daddy", answered Steven in a similar way, being very close to the climax.

"Yeah, I'm your daddy, and I love you very much", said Greg, speeding up the movement, making Steven groan again.

"And I... I love you very much too, daddy", replied, not being able to last any longer, cumming on himself, just a little spurt this time. But that doesn't mean that the orgasm was any worse. For him, it was even better, because his dad was looking and smiling at him this time.

He finished, and now they were staring at each other eyes, Greg caressing his son's scrotum and Steven stroking his father's hair.

The next song started to play, _Ski mask way._

It went unnoticed by the duo.

Greg laid on top of Steven carefully, avoiding to hurt him, and they hugged each other.

Steven lifted his head a little, looking for a kiss from his dear dad, who responded lowering his and reaching his darling son's soft lips with his own. They engaged in a new love session, but Greg's hearing made them stop.

He paid attention to the lyrics for a little and..., "Now 50 Cent wants to rob us too!", shouted nervously.

Steven also started to freak out. "Hurry, we need more power to fight him!", replied in the same way grabbing onto his dad's wide back.

And so, they repeated the process... until the Gems came back early and spotted them having lovely sex.

Luckily, the alien race didn't really know what was going on, but Pearl realized that Greg was doing to Steven the same thing she saw he was doing once to Rose some time before she... disappeared. She started to panic, summoned her spear, and stabbed Greg's head.

Steven suffered a sudden change of feelings: from joy and pleasure to sorrow and ire.

His gem started to glow, and around his body appeared the form of Rose. It was like a pink hologram that engulfed him.

Steven's eyes turned white and began to shine, like Lion's ones did sometimes. The figure started to talk, and its voice was Rose's voice.

"OH YOU BITCH! FIRST, YOU DIDN'T LIKE MY MAN; AND NOW, YOU KILL HIM, LEAVING MY KID ORPHAN!", yelled furiously while shaking her limbs. "I'MMA FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU THIRSTY JEALOUS SLUT! HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!".

Rosesteven lunged at Pearl, who was frozen because of the shock, and ripped her gem off, making her poof. Then she took the spear hammered in her husband's front lobe, threw the gem, and drove the weapon into it.

The rest is history.

 _(Garnet didn't like 50 Cent, but Amethyst did)._

* * *

 **I'M WAAAAAAAY UP, I FEEL GEMMED.**


End file.
